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  When Ashley was beginning to think that they were going to drive around forever, they decided to head over to Mark’s house. The other two cars parked in his driveway, but Shawn parked at their house. Everybody got out and walked across the lawn to where the rest of the group was waiting. As they went, Ashley heard Courtney telling Shawn, “I think we should have just come to look at your parent’s house and saved gas. Their lights sure look beautiful.”

  “Mark gets the credit for that,” Shawn told her.

  Ashley glanced at Mark who was busy opening his front door. He didn’t look extremely thrilled, either at having his work praised or his house invaded by a dozen people late at night. He waited outside by the door as everyone went in, and Ashley waited as well, hoping to have a few seconds alone with him.

  He smiled at her and said, “I’m going to kill Shawn tomorrow. If there weren’t so many witnesses, I’d do it now.”

  “Well maybe they won’t stay long. You don’t exactly have much seating.”

  “They’ve been here before and it didn’t bother them. Shawn talked me into having a movie night here once and I didn’t get them out until 1:00 in the morning. Of course that was a weekend. Maybe they all have to go to work tomorrow, like me, and they’ll clear out of here at a decent hour.”

  “I hope so. I feel bad that Shawn roped you into this.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It probably won’t kill me to be a little social.”

  Inside, two girls that Ashley vaguely knew, Tara and Haley, were getting cocoa makings and Styrofoam cups out of a large box they’d brought in from their car. They seemed quite at home in Mark’s kitchen, and they weren’t the only ones at home in Mark’s house. Ashley was annoyed when Kari invited her to find a seat wherever she could, obviously playing hostess.

  Kari laughed musically, enjoying herself. “Mark, next time we need to remember to tell everyone to bring their own chair. That old couch is fine for two, but when we have more than that here, it isn’t enough.”

  Ashley writhed at Kari’s words. They could have meant absolutely nothing, but Ashley heard what she was most likely meant to hear. Whether Kari had been here alone with Mark or not, she clearly intended for Ashley to think she had been.

  Ashley glanced at Mark, but she couldn’t tell much from his expression. He replied simply, “Well, if nobody gets comfortable, maybe they’ll all go home.”

  Kari laughed and reached out to hit his arm playfully as she said, “Oh Mark, you aren’t always so inhospitable. I wonder what the matter is tonight.”

  “I have to get up early for work tomorrow. Have you had your cocoa yet?”

  “I was going to get some. I’ll grab you a cup too, ok?”

  Kari didn’t wait to hear Mark’s answer, though it didn’t matter since Mark didn’t offer one. Instead, he followed Ashley over to one of the deep window sills on the far wall of the living room. When she sat down on it, he towered over her and Ashley’s eyes were drawn irresistibly to him. He was watching his guests, so Ashley could only see his profile. He was just as heartbreakingly good looking from this point of view as from any other.

  Mark had just turned to her, about to say something, when Kari walked up with two cups of cocoa. “Here you go Mark. Oh, I’m sorry Ashley. I don’t have one for you, but there’s plenty in the kitchen if you want to go get some.”

  “No thank you. I don’t want any. Mark, I’m going to go on home and check on my mom. I’m sure she’s getting sick and I’m afraid she’ll be wearing herself out getting everybody settled in for the night.”

  Mark could hardly argue with her, but Ashley wished that he had made some effort to detain her. Instead, he nodded and said, “I’ll walk you over.”

  He set his untouched cocoa down on the window sill when Ashley stood up and followed her to the door. He came outside with her, but Ashley turned around and stopped him with a hand on his chest. “You should stay here. It’s not like I have far to go.”

  “Ashley, is something wrong? You aren’t acting like yourself.”

  “I’m fine. I guess I’m tired or something.”

  “Are you getting sick?”

  “I don’t think so. Not yet anyway. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Look, it may sound weird after only a few days, but I can tell that something has upset you. Did I do something?”

  “No, you didn’t do anything. Everything is fine. See you tomorrow?”

  He nodded and said, “Well, good night I guess.”

  She told him good night in return and walked home, feeling his eyes on her the whole way. Fortunately, he could only see her back and not the misery on her face.

  Chapter 9

  Let Nothing You Dismay

  Her mom’s cheerful kitchen welcomed her when she came in a minute later, but she wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it. There was a quiet murmur of conversation coming from the living room, but she didn’t feel like joining whoever was still awake. She looked at the clock and saw that it was after 10:00 p.m. Whoever else was up, her mom would be in bed, though hopefully not yet alseep.

  She knocked softly on her mom’s door, and waited until she heard her say, “Come in.” She had been reading her scripture’s by the light of her bedside lamp, but her attention was now focused on Ashley.

  “How are you doing, Mom?”

  “I guess I’ve got what your dad had. I’m running a fever and I’m achy all over. But I feel better now that I’ve taken some medicine.”

  “At least Dad wasn’t sick for very long.”

  “No, it seems to be a 24 hour bug. That’s a relief anyway, since I’m sure everyone in this house will get sick too - eventually. Are you all right, Ashley?”

  “Sure. I just came in to check on you.”

  “Well, thank you, but why don’t you come over here and tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart?”

  Ashley felt all the emotions that she’d been trying to hold in check wash over her. Everything was blurred behind a sudden rush of tears, but Ashley managed to get safely to her mom’s bed and lay down beside her. She was glad that her dad hadn’t come to bed yet because right then she needed be alone with her mom.

  “I guess I’m not doing a very good job of hiding it. I’m such a baby,” Ashley told her, wiping away the tears that were running swift and hot down her cheeks.

  “No you’re not. Don’t you think I’ve gone crying to my mom often through the years? I’ve blubbered into the phone to her many times since I first moved here with your father thirty years ago. Now what’s wrong? Did something happen with Mark?”

  “No. I’m just being stupid.”

  “How so?”

  Ashley laughed a little and sniffed. Great, her nose was running now. “You don’t seem surprised.”

  Her mom handed her a tissue and said, “People are seldom sensible when they’re falling in love.”

  “Do you think I’m falling in love? I’m not sure I want to.”

  “Well that’s for you to figure out, but it certainly looks that way to me. Now what has you so upset?”

  “Oh mom, I wish that I was…oh, you know, skinny and beautiful and well – one of those girls.”

  “What in the world brought this on? Mark Ellison has been here all possible hours of the day since you got home, barely taking his eyes off you, and you still don’t feel attractive?”

  “Everybody seems so certain that he likes me, but I can’t tell for sure. I mean, I think he’s attracted to me, but I don’t know how much or if he’s interested in me that way. I’m so confused.”

  “Well, you two need to get to know each other better and then I’m sure you’ll figure this out. But what brought on the tears?”

  “Kari Allen.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  Ashley sat up and got a tissue from her mom’s bedside table. “Yeah. I don’t even have to explain, do I?”

  “Was she flirting with Mark tonight?”

  “Not just that. She was putting up ‘No Trespassing’ signs.”
/>   “How was Mark reacting to it?”

  “He certainly didn’t seem to mind very much.”

  “Well, Ashley, I wasn’t there for any of this, but you should try not to worry about it. Mark is quiet, but he’s very friendly. He may not have realized how it would look to you. And don’t let Kari intimidate you. You are just as attractive as she is, and, if you ask me, much sweeter.”

  “Mark probably doesn’t see it that way. The whole time we were driving around looking at lights, she was so sweet to him that it felt like I was trapped in a honey jar. Of course, she kept taking subtle little digs at me all night. I couldn’t help but start feeling all fat and ugly - well maybe not ugly. Definitely plain though. Then it was a short trip to Depressionville.”

  “Ashley, when are you going to stop judging yourself against other people or letting them determine your self-worth?”

  “I don’t know. I try not to. I literally tell myself, ‘Stop it, Ashley.’ But I do it anyway. Kari’s got everything going for her - except that she isn’t very nice.”

  “Exactly. Don’t you think Mark will see that eventually? Let him decide who he prefers to be with. I guarantee you that he sees you a lot more clearly than you see yourself. Anyway Ashley, you’ve always missed one very important thing. Loving someone isn’t about the way someone looks on the outside. It has a lot more to do with finding a connection with them, respecting them, and building a deep, lasting friendship.” She paused and smiled teasingly. “I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t important too, because it is. But even that has a lot to do with chemistry. So stop judging yourself so harshly, and stop judging Mark. You must think he’s pretty shallow if you think he is only interested in how a girl looks.”

  “I don’t think he’s shallow, but he’s got eyes in his head.”

  “Yes, and they’re usually looking at you. Listen, don’t you think that Kari has been flirting with Mark since she first saw him? Well, she has been. I thought it was pretty funny how polite and friendly he was to her, but completely uninterested. He was waiting as patiently as he could for you to get home.”

  “Did he tell you that?”

  “Well, not in so many words, but it wasn’t hard to figure out.”

  “Mom, sometimes I think Mark is as attracted to me as I am to him, but I don’t have much confidence in my judgment when it comes to that kind of thing. I mean, Derek was so intense when we dated, and he obviously didn’t feel anything real for me.”

  “Ashley, Mark is not Derek. I know you’re afraid to get your heart broken again, but you have to decide if Mark is worth the risk. If he is, then go for it.”

  Ashley lay quietly for a minute considering everything her mom had said. It felt so good being here in this room with her mom. She’d always felt comforted here growing up, but this time, her mom couldn’t solve all her problems for her. Her advice made sense logically, but Ashley’s emotions were still raging within her.

  Knowing that nothing could be solved tonight, and that her mom needed rest, Ashley gave her a quick hug. “You smell good,” she told her.

  “Thank you, but I don’t know why.”

  “Because you smell like you.”

  “Huh. Now I wonder what I smell like.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” Ashley knew that her mom would know what she meant.

  Her mom tenderly brushed a strand of hair out of Ashley’s face. “Anytime, Ashley. Just do me one favor.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Keep me caught up on developments with you and Mark. Boys are so reserved about their feelings that I never knew much about Keith and Justin’s romances, and I’m pretty sure I’m missing out on Shawn’s too. I’m nosy and I want to know all about it.”

  Ashley laughed, “Sure mom. Just don’t get your hopes up too high.”

  “And don’t you be so pessimistic about it. I know you don’t know yet, but if Mark is the one, don’t miss out on your love story because you’re worried the whole time that it might not work out. Enjoy it.”

  “Ok. I’ll try to remember that.” Ashley got up and said, “Good night, Mom. Feel better.”

  “I’ll try. Good night.”

  Ashley walked slowly through the house, and was just passing the front door, her mind far away with her thoughts, when it opened. She looked up and waited for Shawn to come in and take off his coat.

  “It’s snowing,” he told her.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, but not much.”

  Ashley looked out the window, and saw a few flurries of snow whirling around in the air. Shawn flipped the switch that turned off all the Christmas lights and she was able to see the snow better, especially in the beam of the street light.

  They both watched it for a minute and then Shawn asked her, “Why’d you leave early?”

  “I just felt like it.”

  “Well, Mark shut the party down early. He was kind of crabby after you left, so I guess I should have found somewhere else for us to hang out. I couldn’t bring everyone over here though with Keith’s family visiting and people getting sick.”

  “I’m sorry things didn’t work out that great.”

  “I don’t care that much since Erin didn’t make it anyway.”

  “How did Mark get everyone to leave?”

  “He said that it was time to pack it in because he had to take Kari back to the church to get her car.”

  “He drove Kari to the church?”

  “Yeah. Better him than me. Man that chick can be annoying.”

  “Well, you can probably see that because you already like someone else. So, why didn’t Erin come?”

  “There was only a small chance that she’d be able to. She lives over in Masonville and she works at a bank that closes at seven. By the time she gets home, it’s hard for her to get all the way over here in time for activities. She’s eighteen and an only child, so her parents are pretty protective of her too.”

  “Do you mean that they don’t want her to date a grey beard like you?”

  Shawn smiled. “A greybeard at twenty-one?” He shook his head. “They just get worried about her driving mountain roads late at night so she doesn’t like to do it often, especially when the weather’s not great.”

  “Well, she sounds like a nice, considerate girl. When will I get to meet her?”

  “I don’t know. Who’s still awake in there?”

  “I have no idea.”

  They walked into the living room and saw that it was Keith, Justin and their dad. The three men broke off their conversation when they came in and Justin asked, “Well, how’d it go? Did you have fun?”

  “It was pretty fun.” Shawn said. Ashley was grateful that Shawn replied so she didn’t have to.

  “You weren’t gone very long,” Keith said.

  “Nope,” Ashley responded. It was a pretty safe question.

  “I’m glad,” Keith continued. “I didn’t want to have to stay up very long to talk to you.” The look on his face didn’t bode well for her chances to escape an uncomfortable conversation.

  “Oh great,” Shawn said. “I’m going to bed.”

  “Gee thanks,” Ashley told him, feeling deserted.

  “It’s your problem, not mine. Good night everyone,” Shawn said as he disappeared up the stairs.

  Ashley stood uncomfortably for a moment then sat down in an armchair across from Keith.

  “So, I’ve been filled in on Mark,” Keith told her. “He’s seems to be a decent guy. I guess I don’t mind if you date him.”

  Ashley laughed, but it was a humorless attempt. “We aren’t dating.”

  Keith’s confused expression was almost comical. “Then what was all that about earlier?”

  “Nothing. I’m just an idiot sometimes.” Ashley couldn’t stand the concentrated attention of the three men any longer. “I’m going to bed. Good night, Dad. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” She gave him a hug and received a sympathetic look in return. She was about to say goodnight to her two brothers when
Justin asked, “Why do women have to do that?”

  “Do what?” she asked, bewildered.

  “Make such a big deal out of everything?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I have a feeling that something happened to upset you and you’re blowing it all out of proportion. Mark is probably clueless about the whole thing.”

  “So you were dating, but you broke up?” Keith asked, still trying to get everything straight.

  “No. We went on one date, and I’m not even sure it was a date. You can’t break up with someone you weren’t ever going out with.”

  “So if you had been going out with him, you would have broken up with him?”

  “No. I’m not even mad at him.”

  “So you do like him then.”

  Ashley glared at her nosy brother and couldn’t stop her honest reply. “Yes I do, darn it all to heck.”

  “So what’s the problem?” Justin asked.

  “There’s not a problem.”

  “Ok,” Keith said, trying to keep hold of his patience, “So, do I need to get to know this guy or not?”

  “I don’t care what you do. I just wish you would all stop worrying so much about it.”

  “Look, you’re my baby sister. I can’t help worrying about whether you’re getting involved with the right kind of guy.”

  “Well, I didn’t give you a hard time when I saw you kiss Marianna Hester in the church parking lot once.”

  Justin burst out laughing and their dad had to remind him to be quiet. Justin, however, couldn’t resist asking Ashley, “How old were you then? Let’s see, Keith, you were about seventeen when you dated Marianna so Ashley would have been thirteen. Wow, I’m impressed that you remember that.”

  Ashley was finally able to smile a little. “Well, it was the first time I’d ever seen anybody kiss like that in real life. It was pretty exciting.”

  “I’ll bet Keith thought so too,” their dad said, laughing quietly. Keith was looking amused, but a little embarrassed too.